Curiosity

Ok, this is a blog, not an autobiography - I can't possibly expect somebody who stumbles across this miniscule spot on the Internet to be interested enough to read some long, rambling post about a middle aged woman's past. And besides - I'd get bored (or just plain worn out) before I finished. So let me try to summarize this for you:

1966

Born.

1967 - 1969
Move from El Paso to Dallas. Briefly adorable in a Shirley Temple kind of way. Saddest memory: my brother's temper tantrums, Dad's business trips, Mom's fear of driving at night. Happiest memories: slip 'n slide, feeding the ducks in the park, swinging, sleeping in between my mother and my brother when my dad was out of town, the farm, all memories of my brother, feeling beautiful.

1970 - 1974
Move from Dallas to Denver, back to Dallas and then on to Ft Smith, Arkansas. Too big to snuggle and too little to date, I spend my days in front of the TV and my nights immersed in "Little House On The Prairie" books. Day dream about being an orphan who discovers my own house hidden in an unused garden at the back of a magnificent English estate. Am determined to build a picket fence around a front yard some day. Attempt to make candy by drizzling maple syrup in snow (unsuccessful). Diagnosed with asthma. Saddest memories: Dad whipping my brother, second grade, being shunned by neighborhood girls. Happiest memories: tagging along with my brother, Sunday drives in the mountains, summer visits to my grandparent's farm, playing with my grandmother's makeup, watching cartoons on Christmas Eve.

1975 - 1979
Start my period, grow breasts, develop acne, become depressed and manage to skip 75% of my 6th grade classes. Kiss a LOT of boys, wear a LOT of makeup, write how-to book on beauty. Move from Ft Smith to Albuquerque to Canyon, Texas. Saddest memories: my aunt's suicide, my grandfather's death, my father's depression, my brother's derision. Happiest memories: family dinners, riding my bike to Shell's pharmacy, choir, first dates.

1980 - 1984
Lose my virginity, become very tan, drop out of school, have an abortion. Become promiscuous. Become sad. Become angry. Have another abortion. Write hot checks. Quit lots of jobs. Try alcohol, speed and pot. Saddest memories: abortions, father losing job, parents moving back to Denver. Happiest memories: first day of high school, tennis, starting new life in Denver.

1985 - 1989
Begin 4 year relationship with a man 14 years older than me who's big on the Denver social scene. Meet famous people. Quit lots more jobs. Have another abortion. Try cocaine. Learn how to develop software. Saddest memories: watching my brother fail to thrive, having my first breakdown in my first apartment. Happiest memories: Aspen on a summer morning, laughing with my older boyfriend, my first fancy date, recovering from my breakdown, moving in with my older boyfriend.

1990 - 1994
Move from Denver to Dallas. End relationship with older boyfriend. Move in with new boyfriend in Dallas and experience verbal and emotional abuse. Quit smoking, then start back up again. Learn how to keep a steady job. Temporarily beautiful. Move out of new boyfriend's apartment with a $500 loan from my boss. Have another abortion. And another one. Realize brother is deeply addicted to drugs. Realize mother is deeply depressed. Have my 2nd breakdown. Recover with temporary course of Prozac. Become determined to do something with my life. Saddest memories: watching my family fall apart and being unable to help, my 2nd breakdown, my lack of self-esteem. Happiest memories: finding my independence, learning how to support myself, seeing all the new construction in Dallas when I first moved back as an adult, the hills in Valley Ranch before they bulldozed them for apartments, getting Crunch Tator, taking Crunch Tator for walks around the Mandalay Canal.

1995 - 1999
Move from Dallas back to Denver to Austin, then (very briefly) back to Denver and back on to Austin again. Briefly become competitive rower. Turn 30 in the best shape of my life. Begin 7 1/2 year relationship/obsession with gorgeous attorney. Triple my income. Become anxious and start to take Paxil. Become depressed and start to take Klonopin. Start therapy. Gradually become suicidal. Have a miscarriage. Make pathetic suicide attempt and check myself in to a hospital. Have affair with assigned psychiatrist. Try Depakote, Lamictal, Welbutrin, Zyprexa, Risperdal, Topomax, Neurontin and Ambien within the space of 3 months. Become my most crazy. Drink heavily for one year. Shave my head and all body hair. Check myself back in to a hospital. Withdraw from all drugs but Neurontin. Saddest memories: Dad's heart attack and subsequent decline; brother's hospitalizations and subsequent diagnosis of bipolar disorder; parent's general financial decline; brother's withdrawal from friends, my own decline into depression. Happiest memories: Parent's move to Temple, Texas, 30th birthday party, first couple of years of relationship with gorgeous attorney, fire flies on a summer night, hummingbirds on a summer morning, Haley's comet, swimming at my parent's house, hot tub parties at Bart's house, feeling beautiful.

2000 - 2003
Get job at IBM. Get promoted. Have psychological assessment which states, in part, that I am an extremely ill woman with a narcissistic personality who believes she can do more than she can, and who should be on an antipsychotic medication for the rest of her life. Psychiatrist disagrees with assessment but, at my request, agrees to prescribe a small dose of Seroquel (a newer antipsychotic) for me. Continue with therapy in an attempt to ensure that I am not narcissistic, am capable of accomplishing what I think I can, and am stable. Becomes friends with a group of coworkers and begin socializing weekly. Become happy, stable, and cautiously proud of myself. Father losses job and becomes unable to work. Brother dies. Ask parents to move in with me in Austin. Saddest memories: everything about my brother's death, my parent's situation, reading my psychological assessment. Happiest memories: ending my relationship with the gorgeous attorney and still being friends with him, meeting my husband, falling in love with my husband, hanging out with Joe & Christie & Ed & Deborah.

2004 - Present
Become engaged. Get married. Begin paying parent's rent and car insurance. Get promoted. Run out of things to talk about in therapy. Switch doctors when mine goes out of practice, and from Neurontin to Lamictal. Try to have a baby. Find out we're infertile. Have 3 surgeries to investigate and correct anatomical issues. Learn I have GERD. Have two root canals and never go back for permanent crowns. Try IVF. Turn 40. Get pregnant. Miscarry. Turn 41. Try IVF again. Fail. Buy our first house. Father has another heart attack. Mother begins having "mini strokes". Gain 40 pounds. Cholesterol shoots up to close to 600. Asthma and allergies get worse. Decide to try life without drugs, but rebound insomnia and allergic reaction make it impossible. Try again. Same thing. Try again. Same thing. Here we are. Saddest memories: the miscarriage, feeling hopelessly fat and ugly. Happiest memories: the moment we got engaged, our wedding, Dad's kilt at our wedding, realizing that Mom and Dad are safe, napping with our cats.

And there you have it in a not-too-terribly long format: me. Thanks for reading!