Off Again

Ok, I haven't had a Seroquel since ... well, probably since Friday night although I have to say that time is simply flying by. I took 1mg of Atavan Saturday night, which I probably didn't need. I didn't sleep great but I felt find the next day. In fact, I felt fine until day before yesterday when my allergies kicked in. To counteract the allergies I took a Claritin, which did a nice job -- but I was pretty sure I would have trouble sleeping that night so I took 1.5mg of Atavan and went to bed - but couldn't sleep. After an hour of tossing and turning I got up and took another 1mg tablet. I finally fell asleep but didn't feel great when I awakened. I took another Claritin along with another .5mg of Atavan -- and felt really awful. Sick at my stomach. Lurchy. Tired. Bad.

After I took David home from work I took the rest of the day off and ended up sleeping straight thru from before noon until almost 5pm. I'd felt so terrible from the Atavan that I decided not to take any more and so when I finally went to bed - around 2:30 this morning, I didn't sleep at all. Just tossed and turned and dozed in and out until my alarm went off at 5:30.

This morning I remembered my last year or two at Price Waterhouse. I seemed to be very well liked by so many people - and so disliked by as many more - at work. With my peers I was always laughing and joking and seemed to be able to solve any problem very quickly. But I took it a bit too far sometimes - sending long, rambling poems or personal emails to some coworkers, talking so fast and furious in a haze of comedic frenzy to others that at one point the guy on the other end of the line said, "Are you all right?". And then there was the flip slide of me - the side that felt angry all the rest of the time. The side that simply sat in my office, or drove to San Antonio, and didn't do any work at all. The side that took off for the Dallas office and never made it there over and over and over again. I felt so much worse then than I do now, despite the fact that I looked physically better - was much thinner, much more physically healthy than I am now. Some time in the middle of this period of time I started taking Paxil, off and on. In hindsight it seems to have made things worse, probably because I was constantly going off of it. Dysphoria and suicidal ideation set in.

And now... now I have a big, big problem, because I'm not doing my job. I get paid. I go online. I complete the biggest assignments a little late and the smaller ones not at all.

But beyond that, here are the negative things I'm experiencing:

I don't feel happy or joyful

I always feel terribly worried/stressed out

I keep fantasizing about an alternate life where I have no responsibilities

I'm spending too much money

I'm not exercising at all

I don't feel in control of myself

I can't sleep at night

I am completely, utterly distracted... by the Internet, by potential remodeling projects, by potential business projects, by potential art projects ...
I am completely self-absorbed

I started my period day before yesterday so it's not unlikely that I'll feel a lot better in a few more days. Maybe I'll start sleeping on my own again. Maybe I'll feel happy (I'd even welcome hypomania). Maybe I'll get a handle on my responsibilities around work.

Or maybe I should take a short leave of absence, find a doctor I trust, and start again at square one.