Distrust

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday. It was a semi-momentous occasion, since it was the first time I'd seen her in 4 months and I had hoped not to see her again. Momentous also because two weeks ago I suddenly became convinced that I should be on a full spectrum of medications again. Nerve wracking since that conviction lasted for only a couple of days.

My shrink is a full-fledged shrink: an actual medical doctor who specializes in research. That being the case there were any number of topics related to mood disorders and medications I would love to have picked her brain about. However, since she is my shrink - and not just some doctor I am interviewing - I felt guarded. How much did I want to expose to her about my momentary lapse back into medication? And, baring an in-depth question/answer session (with me asking most of the questions), and given that I'd changed my mind about being on medication again, what did I want out of the visit?

One thing was clear to me: I wanted to leave her office with a prescription for something I could take if I panicked again. What was less clear to me was actually more important: how much do I trust her?

As a long-time consumer of mental health services I, and most others like me, face a delima when it comes to our diagnoses and treatment. The question that goes through the minds of many of us - sometimes loudly and sometimes in no more than a soft whisper - is this: how do I know if I am not crazy? I learned long ago that mental health is associated with a particular kind of denial that isn't really denial so much as it is a complete inability to recognize my own symptoms. The same thing happens sometimes to stroke or head injury victims: for instance, an individual may have lost the ability to move their right arm but may also have lost the ability to understand that they cannot move their right arm. So it goes in the mental health arena, apparently. How do I know I'm not experiencing that phenomena? Beyond that lay even bigger questions, such as ... how do I know if my anger is justified? how do I know if my happiness is justified? how do I know if my behavior is appropriate? What if everything feels justified and appropriate but it isn't? Who do I know, who do I trust enough to believe if they tell me that what I feel is an illusion? Do I trust anyone that much?

Does anyone trust anyone else that much?